For The Love Of Soaps: John Marries Mad Hattie

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Days Of Our Lives: Abe pronounces John and Hattie husband and wife, but John does his best to delay the kiss. Ultimately, he fails, and Hattie slams an aggressive smooch on him. I can’t wait for this moment to come back up when Belle finds out that isn’t Marlena. John is falling apart just like his naive plan to hide Marlena in the basement. He’s married to an impostor and the guilt is eating him up inside. To make matters worse, Hattie tells him about Kristen’s appearance and discovery of where Marlena is hiding.

While Hattie is ruining everything upstairs, Kristen finds Marlena’s room and teases her about her impending death. As Kristen points the gun at Marlena, Kayla arrives and demands that she stop. Kayla had the jump on her and her decision was to yell? I’m disappointed by the collective decision making this week. As Kayla attempts to talk Kristen out of shooting Marlena, Roman sneaks up behind Kristen and grabs her arm. A fight ensues, and Roman and Kristen tumble to the ground. During the struggle, Kayla picks up the gun and points it at Kristen. Kristen proceeds to brag about how brilliant she is and slowly escapes the room. While Kayla had a gun and a cell phone, she doesn’t call the police or do anything at all to stop Kristen; brilliant move once again by the characters.

John arrives to find a conscious Marlena. He is overjoyed until he has to explain what’s going on. John lies, telling her she’s hidden in a basement so Kristen wouldn’t find her. Marlena is groggy, but her confusion is understandable since this plot is so ridiculous. After John explains that Hattie Adams was her fill-in, she notices the wedding band on his finger. John explains he married Hattie to save Marlena’s life but also signed a wedding contract. John did several stupid, illegal things to get to this point; he should have no issue getting out of his false marriage to Hattie. Later, Marlena has a flashback where she remembers seeing a second shooter at their wedding. While we don’t find out who was holding that gun, her discovery should free Sami.

Gabi’s campaign to destroy Abigail’s life continues. She meets with Stefan, where he tells her about the text message Abigail sent him. Gabi tries to convince him that Abigail’s alter-ego, Gabby, is returning. She also tells Chad she’s seen signs of Gabby’s return, even though we know she’s only been with Abigail when she was unconscious. Gabi suggests that Chad search Abigail’s house for any signs of Gabby’s presence. Shockingly, he finds a brown wig under her bed, which Gabi hid there last week. He shares his concerns with Abigail and worries she’s going to fall in love with Stefan again. Abigail fires back, directing her anger at Chad, Gabi, and Stefan. The pent-up stress inside her explodes all at once. Good for her. Every part of her life is falling apart; she deserves this moment of expression.

Rafe tells Hope that the fingerprints found on the accelerant were likely planted by someone. Hope is shocked and insists she had nothing to do with it. If Hope really didn’t do anything, it must have been Tripp; he’s the only other person with motive to set Ben up. Rafe and Hope agree to release Ben until they find more evidence.

Ciara tells Tripp she’s in love with him and wants to make love. Tripp hesitates, saying he wants their first time to be special. However, Ciara’s not accepting his excuses. Tripp’s head looked like it was going to explode. After more chitchat, Ciara drags Tripp into her room and passionate magic takes place. They head back into the kitchen when Ben opens the door. He tells them he was released from prison and wants to be roomies again. Instead, Ciara asks him to move out as she sees him as a distraction from her new love, Tripp. The Ben/Ciara romance is far from over; it’s brutally obvious they have uncomfortable levels of chemistry with one another.

Kristen shows up at Brady’s apartment. While he is disgusted by her, Brady, begrudgingly, lets her in. Kristen says Brady will suffer if she goes to prison and begs him to leave Salem with her. He declines, since a life on the run with a murdering psychopath is not the brightest future. She admits she knows about him blackmailing Nicole and believes that makes them soulmates. To make matters worse, Brady agrees to leave Salem with her. Huh? While the writers are generally excellent, this scene and several others made zero sense. There will be more on that later.

Unlike the rest of the cast, Sami is making moves. She offers Stefan half of her DiMera fortune in return for helping her find EJ. This is a brilliant offer since Stefan is driven by greed. Sadly, Stefan only toys with her and refuses to reveal EJ’s whereabouts. What a jerk. Sami also convinces Will he must follow his heart and break up with Paul. Regardless of his current condition, breaking up with Paul is a better decision than living a lie for convenience sake. Sami also walks in on a Hattie’s dancing, which is odd for someone recovering from a coma. After Hattie says she loves grilled onions, which the real Marlena hates, Sami attacks Hattie and demands to see her chest wound. She knows her mother better than John or Kayla expected. Kayla breaks up the fight and tells Sami the truth and where Marlena is being hidden.

Lucas demands to see their child, but Bonnie seems to have lost her. After he threatens her with more prison time, she takes him to baby Bonnie, then asks him to leave immediately. When he refuses, she allows him to leave with their baby, which makes sense; however, the big reveal occurs when her daughter, Mimi, comes out of a closet and says the baby is actually hers, not Bonnie’s. We all knew this was coming. Bonnie deserves to be in prison even more, since she’s bartering her freedom over her granddaughter’s life. What a shameful human being.

Heartbroken Eric asks Chloe to help him contact Nicole. While Chloe has no answers, Maggie tells him Nicole’s address in Nashville, Tennessee. The week ends with Eric knocking on her door and finally reuniting with her.

General Hospital: Valentin begs Nina not to sign the divorce papers. I knew she was lying last week! He tells her he “didn’t know he would run into a woman in a hotel corridor who would steal his heart.” What a suave line. Curtis sends him a text, asking if he wants the results of the DNA test. What kind of person sends a text like that? Who puts a spoiler alert on a DNA test? The test results show Sasha is Nina’s daughter. Valentin still wants to know the results of the second test before telling Nina. After the second test is a match as well, Valentin shares the news with Nina. He says he double-crossed Nina’s mother and hired Curtis to get the information. When he mentions double-crossing her mother, she immediately gets excited. Nina shares the news with Maxie but says she doesn’t want to meet Sasha. It’s been three decades since you gave birth and now you don’t want to meet your daughter? Luckily, Maxie talks her out of this idea and Nina leaves a voicemail, telling Sasha she’s her mother and wants to meet her. It’s a beautiful moment when Nina gets the news. I can only imagine how overwhelming those feelings are.

Jason undergoes an intense interrogation at the hands of DA Margaux Dawson. While she repeatedly insults him and shares the entire case with him and his lawyer, Jason doesn’t speak a single word. If Margaux feels this confident in her case, why doesn’t she just arrest Sonny already? The climax occurs when the DA asks Jason how his children would feel if he was murdered like her father was. That’s a low blow. Commissioner Ashford stops the interrogation and tells the DA she’s taking it too personal. Once again, she should not be involved with her father’s case. Instead of calming down, Margaux alleges that Jason kills women and children regularly, which is also a wild accusation. He is released, and Margaux reveals her master plan to take down Sonny: convince Jason to flip on his boss. Based on the interrogation, I don’t think he’s going to talk.

Ryan Chamberlain enters the fray, telling an employee at Ferncliff to increase his brother’s dose of sedatives. He’s slowly killing his brother while he plans more murders. Suddenly, Laura, his sister-in-law, comes home, excited to see her husband. Laura receives an awkward hug and the doorbell rings again. Lucy shows up to “meet” with the good doctor but is immediately kicked out by Laura. When they’re finally alone, she tries to put the moves on him but is rebuffed. Ryan claims a vaccine is the reason he has no libido. That’s a major red flag. Instead of going to bed, Ryan says he’s going into work, even though he’s sick and Laura wants to stay in bed with him all day. Ryan meets with Felicia who wants to distance herself from the story in The Invader. I believe she will out Ryan, as she interacted with him more than most people and the awkward nature of their interactions is a clear sign that is inevitable.

Oscar decides he doesn’t want anyone to know about his diagnosis. He immediately goes to Josslyn’s house and breaks up with her. Oscar is being a real grouch. Get it? His mother also breaks up with Julian, leading me to believe this week is heading into reality TV land. Oscar refuses to give Joss an explanation and leaves. He tells Cameron the truth and demands his silence in exchange for a completed essay. These kids need to work on their bargaining techniques; if I was keeping a secret that important from someone, I’d need more than an essay. Oscar tells his parents he’s dropping out of school and reveals his break-up with Joss. He said there are “so many girls, so little time,” which is cringeworthy.

Josslyn doesn’t take the break-up well, begging Cameron for answers. She finds none, and thinks he might be interested in someone else, even though there are no other girls their age on the cast. She devises a plan to get him back, involving an anniversary re-do. Unfortunately for her, Oscar is completely shutting her out, even blocking her on Facebook. I understand Oscar is devastated but shutting out Josslyn is immature and stupid. He’s doing exactly what his parents did to him.

Ava arrives at Sonny’s to pick up Avery. Carly tells her to leave and makes fun of the fact that her daughter once again slept with her significant other. She also reminds Ava that tomorrow is the anniversary of Morgan’s death, which she blames on Ava. Carly is unloading her entire arsenal on her. After being kicked out, Ava rushes to Dr. Collins to tell him she needs Griffin and Kiki to hate her as much as he hates them. Instead of advising her to calm down, he says her rage is “masterful” and encourages her to keep feeling this way. The alarms should be going off again, but no one is paying attention to anyone but themselves.

Mike has a moment of clarity, revealing he threw the murder weapon in the Hudson River 30 years ago. Since Mike’s thoughts and words are unreliable at best, I don’t blame Jason and Sonny for being skeptical.

Kiki and Griffin make out passionately at the gym, which has been inevitable since the trial ended. Sam and Jason also finish the week with a make out session. Both couples belong together, and I expect these relationships to move faster in the near future.

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Underperformer Of The Week: The writers. While the storylines for both shows are usually excellent, this was not their best work. Several scenes made no sense whatsoever. For example, Kristen convinces a heartbroken Brady to uproot his life within 30 seconds of him telling her to stay out of his life. Ryan turned down sex because he got a flu shot? The dialogue was lazy and convoluted, and I’m disappointed in the product this week on both shows.

Update: On Monday, Jeopardy had a General Hospital-themed category featuring some of the cast. If the contestants read these recaps, they likely answered the questions correctly.